What is “Conscious Uncoupling”?
As anyone who went online in the last week knows, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have decided to end their marriage. Interestingly, the angle many news outlets are choosing to focus on is the language the couple is using to describe their separation.
On Gwyneth Paltrow’s site, goop, she posted an article by Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami talking about what it means to “consciously uncouple” from your partner once you have decided to separate. Paltrow borrows the term “uncoupling” as she tells those following her blog about their decision to part and the concept seems to have many people curious about what it means.
Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami explain:
“Because we believed so strongly in the ‘until death do us part’ concept, we see the demise of our marriage as a failure, bringing with it shame, guilt, or regret. Since most of us don’t want to face what we see as a personal failure, we retreat into resentment and anger, and resort to attacking each other instead. We’ve put on our armor and we’re ready to do battle. What we don’t realize is that while a full body shield may offer a level of self-protection, it’s also a form of self-imprisonment that locks us inside a life that repeats the same mistakes over and over again…
…A conscious uncoupling is the ability to understand that every irritation and argument was a signal to look inside ourselves and identify a negative internal object that needed healing.”
It’s common for many individuals to ask themselves, “What went wrong?” in their marriage and then try to answer that question by blaming their spouse. Unfortunately, this creates conflict that stretches beyond personal frustration. Uncoupling is more about identifying what about the marriage magnified an internal issue and working through that without blaming the other person. Choices like this could make families stay more functional and connected following a divorce.
“It’s conscious uncoupling that prevents families from being broken by divorce and creates expanded families that continue to function in a healthy way outside of traditional marriage,” writes Dr. Sadeghi and Dr. Sami.
Collaborative Practice Toronto member, Nathalie Boutet, was asked to comment on Paltrow’s use of “conscious uncoupling” in a recent Huffington Post article because many people are identifying that this concept points to collaborative law:
“’[Collaborative law] is a very evolved, mature way of resolving disputes.’ More and more people are opting for amicable, collaborative divorces because they want to avoid unnecessary conflict and the kind of legal combat that only prolongs and makes public the negotiations, explained Boutet…’[Conscious uncoupling] is simply thinking about the consequences of your actions,’ concluded Boutet. ‘It’s making plans rather than reacting to emotions like fear, anger or revenge.’”
The Huffington Post article also called upon psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman, who described a couple as the center of a family. When the center is removed, a family can’t help but be profoundly affected. Deciding to “consciously uncouple”, maybe by choosing Collaborative Practice, is acknowledging that the center is being changed and requires careful action to find a new shape.
To learn more about this legal method, please visit What is Collaborative Practice? or get in touch with a collaborative professional near you.
