Stay on the same parenting team and win with your kids
As collaborative professionals in the Toronto area, we are encouraged when we see other professionals advocating for collaborative separations and working with families to make their transitions as seamless as possible.
We recently came across legal and family professionals in North Carolina who talk to their clients about parenting after a separation by using a sports team metaphor and changing ideas about what defines a “win”. Because so many parts of your family’s life change with a separation, it’s understandable to be nervous about whether anything positive can come from the divorce; the professionals at Springfield Collaborative Divorce show that families can adjust their goals and still work together with great success:
“It’s not uncommon to view divorce as a contest, like a basketball game, where one side must win and the other side must lose. A healthier way to think about your situation as you separate is not as opposing teams, but as still being on the same team with a different definition of “scoring” and what determines a “win.”
Earlier in the marriage, a “win” might have been defined as:
- Being financially successful
- Being able to meet each other’s emotional and physical needs
- Raising happy, successful children.
After separation, a “win” for your new “team” could be:
- Transitioning from one to two households as financially and emotionally pain-free as possible
- If you have children, raising happy, emotionally secure, successful children
… Prior to separation, it was easy to identify the “teams”. You and your spouse were charged with keeping your children safe, secure, and happy. After separation, you will continue to have those goals, but the “teams” may no longer seem clear. When disagreements occur it is easy to forget that both parents want what is best for their children. Because both parents are striving for the same goal, they need to continue to see themselves as being on the same team — the co-parenting team.
In sports there are many examples of teams with great talent that somehow couldn’t come together to perform as a great team. We often hear this blamed on lack of chemistry. A lack of chemistry and fighting among team members acts like a flu virus on the entire team — nobody can seem to find the cure and everyone is affected by the virus. The team suffers. This is what happens when parents fight. The children can’t figure out how to make it stop and are hurt every time they are exposed to it. The more the parents try to “provide more cure” by making their case in front of their children, i.e. “win” the game, the worse it is for their children.
In the worst case scenario, when parents end up in court fighting over their children, they are clearly on different teams…So, to keep the team safe and happy during divorce, parents should play on the same team. Don’t expose children to a contest.”
If you would like more information about what it means to separate using the collaborative process, please visit What is Collaborative Practice?
Did you find this post helpful? You might also like “Ask a Collaborative Professional: Post-Separation Parenting”.
