Separating when the kids go to college? They’ll need your help to adjust.

While there are many reasons for a couple to decide to end their marriage at a specific time, the season when kids move out of the house is certainly a common one. There are lots of potential explanations for why this life moment can prompt a separation, but in a recent article by the Connecticut Collaborative Divorce Group, they highlight the ways that college-aged kids are commonly affected by parents splitting as soon as they move out.

We’ve written a few articles in our Collaborative Practice Toronto blog about how parents can set themselves up for successful parenting after a separation, but this unique situation is important to look at.

“When there are problems in a marriage, children are often the glue that holds couples together. However, increasingly once the kids fly the coop, their parents undergo some life changes of their own, taking a closer look at divorce.

In fact, there is a growing trend of empty nesters going their separate ways. According to a March 2012 paper, “The Gray Divorce Revolution,” by researchers at Bowling Green State University in Bowling Green, Ohio, in 1990, fewer than 1 in 10 individuals who divorced were 50 or older. Almost 20 years later, that number jumped to more than 1 in 4. In 2009, more than 600,000 people ages 50 and over got divorced, reported the Wall Street Journal in July 2013.

… Many college-age children can still be traumatized by divorce, especially if parents are involved in nasty litigation. As a result of divorce, the collegiate may have to secure more student loans or even change educational plans. The stable home environment, so necessary for college-aged children, is gone. Where do they go for the Holidays; where are their bedrooms; where is their security as the divorce plays out?

‘Some college students, as a result of the lack of stability at home just choose to disengage from the family as much as possible,’ said Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Elaine Ducharme. ‘They go elsewhere for school breaks and/or become more involved with a boyfriend or girlfriend rather than their own family.’

Collaborative divorce allows parents to discuss what is really important for children and their various needs, including college. The key is to minimize the effect of children being caught in the middle of parent’s arguments and disagreements about issues such as college tuition.

On the flip side, sometimes divorce can be a relief to kids who have spent a lifetime enduring bitterness and battling. During the process it is essential not to confide in your child as a friend, even if the child is an adult.

‘Let them be children and support them to the best of your ability. Help them understand that you know they may feel torn and you will not resent time spent with the other parent,’ said Dr. Ducharme. ‘College kids can’t be court ordered to see parents as part of a custody plan. When kids see parents cooperating in a collaborative divorce process, they are far more likely to be able to maintain a good relationship with both parents.’

… Perhaps most important when children are concerned is the adjustment to life after divorce and maintaining an amicable relationship for all parties involved.”

– Read the entire article at StamfordPlus.com.

A message we see over and over with separations involving children is that, regardless of timing, cooperation can truly help with post-separation relationships. Collaborative professionals are able to identify potential conflicts with everything from financial investments to your children’s post-secondary education and can help you work towards a resolution that works for everyone.

If you would like more information about what we mean when we talk about collaborative divorce, please visit What is Collaborative Practice? If you’re interested in Collaborative Practice, the first step we recommend is to talk with your spouse about the method and share the information we have on our website. Once you’re ready to speak to a collaborative professional, you’re welcome to use our search tool to find professionals near you.