Ask a Collaborative Professional: Will the kids be ok?
Collaborative Practice Toronto is a community of collaborative professionals working to provide information to families considering a collaborative divorce. We also exist as a resource for legal, family, and financial professionals looking to become involved with collaborative practice. We regularly ask our members to provide our blog readers with expert answers to common questions we receive about collaborative practice.
This week, Laurie Stein gave encouraging insight into what she says are the most common concerns parents have when they are going through a separation and choosing which legal method they are going to use.
Q: What is the most common concern parents approach you with when considering separation?
Parents almost always come into my office very distressed about the impact of separation upon their children. They want to know whether or not their children will be ok, whether they will blame themselves or a parent, whether they will be altered by the grief, and what the long-term impact is upon them.
Your behavior will affect their adjustment
The variable that has the largest influence upon a child’s adjustment is parental conflict. The greater the conflict, the more the child’s sense of security, loyalty, and self-esteem is compromised. Their foundation has been rocked to the core.
That being said, children are often more resilient than we give them credit for. With unconditional support and a relationship with both parents, children are able to navigate this huge transition. With these two areas in place, they are able to explore and solidify their relationships with each parent and reestablish their foundation both within themselves and within the new family units.
Forcing children to decide causes major damage
Alternately, when children are denied the opportunity to continue to love each parent or are forced to choose or decide upon the “truth” between parents, they must cut themselves off from what they know that is good and whole about themselves and everything around them. This creates a crisis within the child and they begin to question their basic understanding about their world. Their foundation is further eroded.
With support, children can cope
When parents support their children’s grief reactions, allow for continued relationships, and provide emotional space for the children to explore what their new relationships may look like, they are providing the cornerstone for positive adjustment. And when I see that, I can say with confidence that these children will be more than ok.
Laurie Stein LLB, MSW, RSW
Social Worker
Connections Child and Family Counselling
Get to know all of our collaborative professionals in our members’ directory. If you would like to learn more about collaborative practice, please visit What is Collaborative Practice?
